I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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