I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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