I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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