FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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