did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
