I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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