He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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