Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
