What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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