i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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