Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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