As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
