please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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