he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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