a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
