Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
