M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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