You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
