so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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