Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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