she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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