tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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