ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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