I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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