You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
