If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
