I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
