he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
