Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize