I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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