I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
