he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
