apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
that may or may not have been my penis.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize