If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
