Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
