you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We left the knife in your bed.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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