my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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