I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
