tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
