you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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