Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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