I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I smell stomach acid.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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