mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
