you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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