How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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