1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"