Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE