highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
