She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i now understand why vodka
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
