I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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