I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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