also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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