I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
