i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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