Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
