I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't deserve a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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