I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize