You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
