sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
