the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
