So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
