i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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